Two weeks ago, I was on a high at work. I had my performance evaluation and it went really well. I mean, REALLY really well. My supervisor and I talked for almost an hour about my goals, if I'm happy, what they can do to keep me happy. Am I too busy? Not busy enough? What can they do to support me? It was seriously the best and most productive performance evaluation I've ever had in my life.
Then I got the news that I was a recipient of a $200 award for jumping in to take over a department's grants because someone left. I was nominated by my supervisor. The extra money is nice, but mainly, I love being appreciated for my hard work.
Around the same time, my co-workers nominated me for a Wellness Hero award for leading them through the Live Well 10-week challenge. I got a certificate and a water bottle.
Needless to say, I was feeling pretty good about myself and where I'm at in my career when all of a sudden late yesterday afternoon I got an email from a very upset faculty member. She wanted answers, she wanted me to make phone calls and find out what was going on NOW. It was around the time that people were logging off for the day. I wasn't picking up the phone until I knew what was going on. Instead, I looked into her concerns, found answers and told her I'd work on it the next morning. Another email from her: "I appreciate that, but if you don't call someone I will do it myself tomorrow." There was nothing more I could do and logged off for the day.
And then I spent the rest of the night ruminating and creating stories in my head about what was going to happen the next day. This person was going to complain to my supervisor. This person was going to call me and yell at me. How would I handle things? What was the best course of action? I tried to quiet my mind because logically, I knew that things were going to work out. They always do. But I just couldn't stop. I couldn't turn my worry off. I went to bed feeling exhausted and while I did sleep, I kept waking up thinking about how I was going to fix this problem.
I woke up this morning with my heart racing and a feeling of dread. I checked my emails - never check your emails before you've had your coffee - and the faculty member had emailed me at 3:15 a.m. (!) demanding that I call someone higher up to get her issue fixed.
I tried to do my normal routine. I drank my coffee, put on my workout clothes and attempted to do my scheduled workout. It was hard to focus. My mind was racing. I used lighter weights because I was worried I would injure myself and my heart wasn't in it, but I felt it was important to get some sort of exercise in, even if it sucked. I took a shower and dressed and then I decided to face the day.
Within the first 30 minutes of work, the issue was resolved with just a couple of emails. The faculty member sent me an email both thanking me and apologizing for her behavior. No phone calls to upper management were needed. No one got yelled at.
I was mainly relieved but then I was also pissed at the whole situation. What a waste of energy, spending all of that time worrying over something that ended up working out! And how unfair that the faculty person decided to fly off the handle and get everyone around her worked up when all she had to do was ask a couple of questions and then wait half a day for answers.
And now I sit here ruminating about the whole situation. Why can't I just let it go and move on?
Anxiety sucks.
I have managed to get some work done today. I don't know how, but I'm slugging through. The day has been fairly quiet and tomorrow is Friday, so there's that silver lining.
I hope that one day soon I'll be able to do another blog post about how I've managed to quiet and calm my anxious mind. I don't want to look back on my life and think, "I worried too damn much." Because right now, and always up to this point in my life, I have worried too damn much.
I also want to keep that promise that I made to myself about not letting others' negativity take up space in my head. I have failed so far, but I'm going to keep trying.
Tonight my husband is taking me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant. I have that to look forward to. And tomorrow is a new day.
Most of all, writing this down and sharing it with all of you has helped immensely.
We've got this. (Cue fist bump)
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